Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

By Frances Elizabeth

In my book "Be Careful Who You Marry" I account the controlling and abusive nature of my ex-husband. The abuse began early on in our relationship. While I began to recount when the abuse started I noticed something very unusual. The control and abuse actually began on our first date. Here is what I observed:
1. Needy Behavior: My ex-husband exhibited needy behavior immediately. During our first date he told me he missed me. He didn't know me well enough to miss me. He actually began using such words before we went out on our first date. I thought to myself this guy isn't afraid to open up and tell me his feelings. What I didn't know is that abusers will use any means necessary to gain your trust so that he can have control over you even expressing a desperate need for relationship.
2. Jealousy: As we sat and waited for our server to take our order my-ex-husband noticed a nice looking gentleman coming up behind me. I watched him walk by our table. He was dressed very well. I admired this gentleman for his well-groomed appearance. My-husband then asked if that was the kind of guy I liked. I didn't entertain the question nor did I answer it. Shortly after the server came and took our order and my ex-husband mentioned that he saw him looking at me. I was flattered that I was being noticed, but pointing out that the server was looking at me should have been a red flag. My ex was a jealous person. As the relationship progressed his jealous actions - texting me or calling me to constantly locate my whereabouts, making me dress the way he wanted me to dress, or creating situations to make me feel guilty about going places by myself, was all disguised as concern. The concern was jealousy and control.
3. Quick Commitment: My ex-husband asked me the strangest question on our first date. He asked me to be his girlfriend. He wanted me to commit to him right away. A lot of his conversation during our first date was him expressing his love for me. He used words like "you are the only one for me, it's like at first site, you are the only one who I ever talked to like this." Abusers often pressure their victims into committing to a relationship and will make you feel guilty for not doing so. After I initially turned down his offer to commit to him right away, he continued to tell me how much he loved me and could see us getting married. After a week and a half of this sort of pressure disguised as confessing his love for me I gave in. It felt like love, I really did believe that he loved me. In hindsight it was his way of controlling me.
This article is based in my personal experience with abuse and when abuse began in my relationship with ex-husband. Not all abusers give themselves away on the first date, however I do believe that abuse can be recognized early in the relationship.

By Frances Elizabeth